Language, the ultimate barrier?

There are a bit over seven billion people in this world, and yet we cocoon ourselves into groups.  We rarely want to mix, and yet we complain incessantly about matters big and small: "our country does not have enough jobs, our society is antiquated, I can't find anyone I like in my city."
However, if we complain so much, (and we all have at least once) why do we not just look for a change? I know some people do, and I applaud their courage for making big changes in their lives.  But, have you ever thought that making a change in your life might be a lot simpler than we think?

An uncle of mine once told me that "within a city there are tens of cities."  At first, I had no idea what he was talking about (there is a lot of alcohol involved in our family meetings), but then he explained. He asked me if I had been to different parts of my city, and I said yes.  Then he described each part, making note of the differences between people, restaurants, and even the physical aspect of each place. He explained how different people act in a wealthy area versus a less developed area, and so forth.  It made sense to me, and I even recall describing the differences in clothes between people.  How "weird" that within a city you have different "cities." Then he explained how in those different places, there are spheres of influence.  If you interact with the people from one place, you will be joining a whole new sphere of connections and opportunities (these can be good and/or bad).  So, going back, changing an aspect of your life might be as simple as wandering into different parts of your city where you can find new people, new mentalities, new experiences, etc.

The other day I was on the subway (or u-bahn as the germans call it) going back home, and a man sat in front of me.  As we all do, I glanced at him (I am not certain why, but this could be another topic for discussion) and then went about minding my own business.  As we approached the next stop, I glanced at him again and realized that he had an odd looking gold chain with a pendant.  It took me a few second but I realized this guy was wearing a pendant with the shape of palestine, and was colored red, green, white and black (the flag colors).
There it was, my opportunity to talk to a complete stranger! My best friend is from Palestine, and I thought that could be a very easy way to spark a conversation with this man.  Yet, for  some reason I did not.  I sat there looking at him, without saying a word.  But why?

Here are some reasons, at the time, which made me not talk to this person.
1. My German is not fluent enough to start a conversation.
2. I am not one hundred percent sure it was the palestinian flag.
3. The guy looked like he did not want to talk to anyone.
4. I had to get off soon, so it might not even have been worth it.

Once home, I realized these were not reasons, but excuses.

Why is it so difficult to start a conversation with a complete stranger? Is it just me, or do other people also have trouble in this area? Is there a magic formula you can use to talk to anyone?

I have heard knowledge will make you speak without hesitation.  Certainly, the more you know about a topic, the more confident you are discussing the topic.  Is this true?

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head.  If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart."  Nelson Mandela

Why can´t we be friends?

I like to analyze things first from the largest perspective possible, and then go into detail.  Thus, if we are going to talk in this blog about social interaction I think we need to start by defining a few things.

What is at the base of any sort of continuos social interaction? I believe Friendship.  (At this point, I know some of you will say that you do not need friendship to have social interaction, and it is true. But, you do need to be friendly). There is no social interaction that I can think of where friendships or friendliness are not tools used for this type of communication.

Today, I am going to start of with a quote from what I believe is to be one (if not) of the greatest athletes to have ever lived.

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” Muhammad Ali. 

Some things in life are intangible and indescribable; Therefore, how do you describe the word friendship? There is no class, at any school level, where you learn about friendship.  And if there is, please let me know.  I want to know what is taught in this class.  Friendship, perhaps is the oldest and purest of human connection.  

Let us go back thousands of years to the moment when two humans beings communicate and decide to do something together for whatever reason.  I want to talk about what happens after they communicate, or decide to connect once again, and work together.  When they repeat that interaction over and over again, is it the start of a friendship?

So, what is required for some sort of interaction to become a friendship? I believe that only two things are necessary.  One, is the basic human ethical and moral values.  In other words, having a common knowledge of the difference between good and bad, right and wrong.  Second, just one point of common interest, where both can enjoy a nice conversation.  With these two "tools", I truly believe a very light form of friendship (perhaps, today we call this acquaintances) may be formed.

Why are ethical and moral values important in the formation of friendship? Well, let us give a simple exmaple. You would not want to become friends (or even want to hang out) with someone who kills kittens, would you?
Even though some of these values are cultural, some are "universal".  I need to agree with someone at the very essence of morality, in order to accept them as a possible friendship candidate.  A very simple example, many people do not like gossipers because it goes against their own moral values of talking about people's backs.  Thus, these people do not to surround themselves with gossipers.  

My best friend and I have completely different backgrounds.  We were both raised in different cultures, with different languages, etc. Yet, we connect so well thanks to the nature of our moral values.  We have never talked about this, but we both understand and agree (I go back to the quote) what are these sets of good and bad. In other words, what it means to do good and do bad, and be good and be bad.  If we did not share these values, our friendship would have probably never been the same (and this is coming from someone who, at first, completely misread this person).

I have done a bit of traveling in my life.  Not to many places, but enough to visit three or four different cultures. I am a big football fan (soccer for those american readers), and whenever I talk about this topic I open up to people a lot more than I would with any other topic.  To start off, it is a topic which I feel comfortable discussing.  But, it is also a common link between me and strangers.  For example, the other day I went to change the oil in my car.  Now, I live in Berlin and do not speak that much German. I payed at the cashier and went to another counter to wait for my receipt and the car keys.  There was a middle age mechanic who probably saw that I was a bit lost and asked me if I needed help.  I asked him where I could go pick up my keys, and he explained.  Then he asked me where I was from.  As soon as I said Madrid he asked me about the Champions League final that, at the time, Atletico de Madrid and Real Madrid were going to play.  It turned out that this mechanic had live in Spain for a few months and knew a quite a bit about the spanish league.  We talked about football for about fifteen minutes, discussing players that have played in Germany and Spain, coaches, old teams, new teams, and a few more things. It was a nice conversation, and I could have stayed and talked a bit more, but I was in a bit of a hurry.  My point is,  I had a conversation with someone, who I would have never talked to in the first place, thanks to a common point of interest.

Sometimes we forget how much we have in common with a lot of people.  The only problem is that mostly we are too scared to initiate a contact.  What if things were a lot easier? What is there was a way that could help us initiate a conversation? Well, Coca-Cola certainly had a good idea.  Are there others?

Why is it easier for my six-year-old cousin to make friends than it is for me?

Recently I was hanging out with my six and eight-year-old cousins in a park.  After some minutes of watching (because that is what men mostly do, just watch and hope nothing goes wrong), I realized my cousins were playing with 5 other children.  It was a bit unusual for me because they were not only interacting, like we do when we go to the supermarket or a store, but actually behaving like long time friends.  There was camaraderie, help, and laughter.  I have experience this as an adult only with my best friend.  All these behaviors got me thinking. Why and how do young children make friends so easily?

Is there an age when we become less sociable? I think there is. Clearly children have the ability to make friends with ease, but as a result of what? Some studies suggests this is due to the lack of development of social awareness.  Basically, children do not have to worry about what others think of them.  They are who they are, and they do not worry about others' opinions.  This is developed later on during the teenage years.  That is when we start the unconscious lifelong comparison to other members of our community.  When we start to think about (the lucky ones) where we want to go and be in our lives.  So, we begin to classify things, we begin to classify people, we make groups of everything.  I have read that this is a primitive defense mechanism.  There is no doubt that we all feel safer in groups but could it be that we deal with life threat and social threats in the same way? is this what we the most evolved species on this planet have come up with?  

Forming a self image, and personal group of beliefs and thoughts is part of our journey into adulthood.  Unfortunately, this also means filling these beliefs with prejudice and grudges.  We are morphed into believing certain things, at times without even questioning it. Be it the media that affects us or our community, but why do I immediately judge someone when they get on the train? Why do we all get a bit spooky when a arab-looking person gets on the plane? Why do we avoid sitting next to certain people on the train?  Do kids do this? 

It is clear that age affects us in many ways.  As we grow old, we want to become a "respectful member of society". What the F*** does this even mean? I am pretty sure in some cultures Nelson Mandela was not a respectful member of society.  A guy that spent twenty seven years in prison, at first glance, does not seem like a respectful member of society.  So, under which measuring bar are we, well, measuring? And, first of all, why is there even a bar? Why do we have to compare?

Seems like there is not much we can do about prejudices.  I have mentioned that with age comes self-image, your place in the community, and personal thoughts about society (whether these might be bias or not is another question), but I think with age also come relaxation or, for lack of a better word, laziness.  Once, we know our place we do not do anything to modify it.  Do we hit the cruise control and just enjoy the ride? I think many of us do, including myself.  We become reluctant to change.  Change is an arduous process that requires time and effort.  Maybe, that is why we never ask ourselves to change some aspects of our life. Getting to know other cultures, other countries, or even as simple as other people seems a like too much energy demanding task.   

I think one way to take a leap of faith and change your habits is to simply get out of your comfort zone.  Which is easier said than done.  But, it truly brings new points of view. For example, I am not a big fan of giving public speeches or presentations.  In high school, when we were assigned group projects, I tried to never get the role of the speaker.  Once in college, I started forcing myself into these roles.  I attended classes like public speaking and communications. Slowly, I got better at it (Still, I am not comfortable at giving public speeches).  Forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone has showed me that we are normally afraid because we think we are going to perform very bad.  This is true.  Yet, we seem to forget that you need to walk before you run.  As we were babies giving our first steps, we fell and cried but we got up and tried to walk again.  After many many tries, with or without help, we were able to walk. I guess we failed and failed, but were not scared of what others might think.  We were constantly moving out of our comfort zone (I guess there is no better comfort zone than being held by your parents).   So, this brings up the question: Is it possible that kids live in a place where the term "comfort zone" does not apply? If so, is this why it is so easy for them to make friends?

“Human relationships always help us to carry on because they always presuppose further developments, a future - and also because we live as if our only task was precisely to have relationships with other people.” 
― Albert Camus

The first contact

       It is funny when you get into the subway, train, or bus, and the only thing you see is people looking down at there phones.  Nobody talks or looks at each other.  In a way, it seems out of the ordinary to look at someone.  Why? Are we not a social animal? Isn't our capacity to communicate what made us in the first place become the apex of the evolutionary race? 

       Every commute reminds me of those WWII movies when soldiers were about to disembark into Normandy.  Everyone is quiet, as if their sole was not with them anymore. In the subway, it is kind of the same thing.  Those early morning commutes where everyone is tired and unhappy, and try to evade this by reaching for contact with someone else who shares their moment.  Everyone seems to be trapped in another world, in a digital world. You take out your smartphone to see what your friends are doing.  As if someone else was could share your discomfort of sitting next to yet another stranger.  And it is funny how these strangers are strangers.  We recognize the same people from our commute. We probably share more time with them than with most Facebook friends. Yet, we cannot make eye contact (and let us not even talk about having a conversation).  The funny thing is that we probably share so many things in common with most of these "strangers" in our commute.  Similar tastes in music, books, movies, clothing, food.  Same sport teams, hobbies, and maybe even friends.  But, why bother with getting to know someone new, when we have our friends at the reach of our smartphone. 

       It is true that social networks like Facebook or Twitter have givens us the possibility to contact people from all over the globe, and to not lose contact form people we have met in our lives.  But, is this really making us be more social?

“I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” Albert Einstein